So here we are...

Yep. it's about that time again. busy Christmas time.

new year time. Year in review time. looking back time.

looking forward time. time to get it together, and let some of it go forever.

i am moving to london, england on december 30, 2008 at 6:45 am.

i will arrive at heathrow airport at 6:00 am on december 31, 2008.

ava and sammie will pick me up from the airport. they will drive me to their house where i will proceed to live for the next four months. 

i will see Liam again. i can't believe i'm actually going to see him again. it's weird to think about it. it seems so long ago. and kind of like it happened to another person. i wonder if we'll even want to be friends now, let alone in a relationship... ???? 

i also chatted with my new "sam" on skype today. i have another sam :)

he's so amazing... how do men like this exist? and he's STRAIGHT?! figures he'd have to be practically a teenager... 22 is like, a lifetime ago for me. i can't even remember it. well, i can, but i'm still trying to forget it. ugh. 22... the Ken days. lol! the friggin' ken days. talk about another lifetime... is he even still alive? i haven't heard from or about him in yearrrrrrrrrs. last i heard he was all cracked out and a crazy pack rat. imagine what my life would be had i married him...

i'm sick again. why am i always sick? i think i have AIDS. serves me right. 

that doesn't make sense, but still. i probably have AIDS. i'm ALWAYS on the brink of death, for pete's sake. whatever. what was i talking about? oh yeah. england : )

so, who knows what will happen. i certainly don't. and i've really become someone who PREFERS not knowing what's going to happen. i've totally let go of planning everything down to the second and completely let go. it feels so good. and oh- i'm old now. i just turned 31 a few days ago. now THAT seems un-real. i still feel 16... with the exception of my hips feeling like they want off my body... why am i a rickety old man? who knows. getting older is amazing.

and terrifying. i can't wait to see what happens in the next 31 years.

see you in london.

<3

ps- hi mermaid. 

i miss you.

Title page. NUMERO UNO.

Soooooooo here I am. At last.

Hello Kellie.

Hello Gavin.

Yours are the blogs I read.

Yours are the reason I am here.

Not entirely, but partly.

And that's what matters : )

I wanted the title of my blog page to be:

"What I Need is Someone who will Make me Do what I Can".

My all time favorite quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson.

It's become my sort of Mantra.

I've spent so many years searching for this person.

And today I learned it was Me.

At 30 years old, I am finally beginning to Trust myself.

Not entirely, but at least enough to know that it can't all be bad.

It can't always ALL be my fault. And yes, half of the time I'm actually to blame.

The last 72 hours have been some of the worst of my life.

Truly. I wouldn't put it up there with the top 3, but they're up there.

Wednesday morning I woke to find myself with a Ulcerated Cornea.

A result of not taking my contact out when I sleep.

I know better. And yet, I've done it for years. Leaving them in for literally months at a time.

The last 6 months I've had constant, yes CONSTANT troubles with my eyes and therefore I've started taking much better care of them.

Only to be hit with this.

I can't tell you how much pain I've been in.

I'm sure half of it is mental. Being hit with the possibility of losing your eyesight is scary.

Even more scary is the fact that I did it to myself.

I have cried a hundred thousand tears over this, resulting in my condition worsening.

I don't know what will happen. But I'm moving on as if I'm going to be fine.

Something clicked in my head today and I began to think:

"Okay, I did this to myself, I can get myself out of it."

And I'm going to.

Moving on.

Jared is taking me to see Michael Buble again a week from tonight ; )

I can't believe it's been almost a year already since we met.

It feels like it's been 10 years. And 10 of the best.

I've never had a friend like him before. That I can honestly say.

I can say a lot more about him, but I won't.

I'm thankful for his friendship. 

When I really sit and think about Jared,

I feel like Carrie in the episode where she found out Big was moving to California.

"He's like, this GREAT man in my Life."

And that's wonderful : )

He has this ENTIRE day of Adventure planned.

I hope I'm up to it. He said that if I still can't stand to be in sunlight, 

(with my eye condition, I have been banned from the sun, and I've been wearing an eye patch!)

that he'll wear an eye patch with me, and Michael will notice us in the crowd (we have 3rd row tickets) and invite us up on stage because he'll feel sorry for the Disabled people.

One can only hope that my eye patch will lead to Michael Buble's private room where Jared and I will take full advantage of him.

When we saw him last summer, he had a gigantic rip in the crotch of his pants, and kept showing everyone his yellow speedos. It was amazing.

Jared thinks we should both wear yellow underwear. That way, when Michael invites us to make sweet sweet love to him, we'll remind him of that night and it will be so much sweeter.

Either way, we're talkin' about Michael Buble in his underwear, so I'm happy.

I think I'm going to cut my hair on Friday.

I've been growing it out for the past 2 years, and it's about halfway down my back.

The longest it's ever been in my life. I'm ready to cut it.

I'm thinking....

How will Michael EVER be able to resist?

<3